My doula journey
Last year, I decided that I did not want to be a doula professionally. I am a natural nurturer and I love being a mother. I love motherhood, and I love supporting women and mothers. I will always be a doula, but not as my career. I will be honored to support any friend or family member through all things birth and motherhood related - ALWAYS. But I will not be seeking out “new clients” for work as a doula and have not been for some time.
My doula journey was a healing one, of course. :)
I became a postpartum doula after the most debilitating postpartum period after Nico was born. It was part of my healing process to become a postpartum doula for other mothers - and for myself. To mother myself in a way I could not at the time…. To forgive myself for everything I thought I did wrong the first time. To let go and forgive myself and be free. A week after my certification, my marriage ended.
I remember the exact moment I decided I wanted to become a birth doula. I was assisting a hypnobirthing class in Beverly Hills and the teacher was playing a series of birth videos to the class. One of the videos was my beloved midwife, Davi. This woman is still a huge part of my heart. She was so much more than a midwife to me. She was like a mother. A guide. A healer. She saw me. She held me. She spoke only the truth, even when it hurt and she changed my life.
When I saw Davi on the screen, tears were streaming down my face. I watched the woman in the video surrender and give birth to a tiny human angel and it was the first time i actually watched a birth without squinting in pain; rather, rejoicing in the power that we mother’s possess. I cried for my broken family. Dominic and I were already separated. I cried for the love that we felt together when Olivia was born - and again, when Nico was born. I cried for what I thought we were. Or maybe what we really were at that time. (at least when Ollie was born)
After class I remember speaking with the instructor and she told me that the couple in the video were divorced. My heart was heavy. How could I witness so much LOVE in that video for them not to be a union. Love is painful, i thought. I felt that love too at one time. The love of a family being born - together. The love is so deep. So real. So profound.
I had two medication free all natural childbirths. Both in which I thought I would actually die. I believe it is because I was in fact dying and I was being born into a MOTHER. I didn't think I could do it. But we all did it. My family. Myself. My magical children. We were all born.
I decided I wanted to become a birth doula because I was fascinated by birth, and on some unconscious level I believe that I wanted to be a part of that grand love that is only present when you witness the miracle of life right before your eyes. I wanted to look into a woman’s eyes when she was crying + screaming in pain that she could not do it “ YOU ARE DOING IT” with such grace and power that she would believe me and surrender to her body, her baby, and nature. I wanted to be there witnessing the love of a family being born for the first time. Second time. Third time. I wanted to hold space for every insecurity and doubt and I wanted to be a part of healing. Family healing. Heart healing.
I did it. And it was magical. I did it. And it was fierce, and tough, and miraculous. It was humbling. It was satisfying. It was so many things. And it was not what I was put here to do. It was part of my own process. To re-live some kind of love. TO LET IT GO. I only recently discovered this. I thought it was because I really do not like hospitals. Or because I really only wanted to work with people I already knew and not “clients”
I thought it was because I hated being on call. Nope.
It was just part of my healing journey, and for that I will always be grateful. I have immense respect for ALL birth workers and always will. Thank you for the journey my doula mentors and doula sisters.